After the last blog entry, I feel like I need to write something light. Something easy to carry. I have read Marionette, my last post, a few times. It still seems a little, jumbled. I could feel the anger creeping in the more I wrote, I felt like I could not quite get my point across. Which is always the problem when I attempt to talk or write about those days. It is very frustrating.
Then it suddenly occurred to me, that I want everyone to be as dismayed and hurt, and broken as I was during those years. When I talk about it, I want to hear GASPS! and GROANS, the shaking of the head and a soft touch of the hand “How did you ever survive that?” and it is not because, I want to appear the victim. The poor me, the sad doll tossed into the free box at a garage sale. I just want to know, by those subtle acts of understanding. I am not crazy. It did happen, and I survived. Period.
What was I writing about at first? Something light, something easy to carry?
*after 5 minutes of staring at my blog, arms folded*
Who am I kidding? My blog is titled ‘.into my deep’ 🙂
Of course, that is not really all of who I am. I do have to come up for air. How boring, to be hanging out in the Emo depths, slouched artistically against the coral. Swaying dark hair, cutting across a gray expression. Boring.
Oh darling, an Artist is never boring. *smirks*
My cousins daughter, after I said she reminded me of, Fall. Quipped back to me “and you remind me of, Spring” I smiled. Yes, within my Winter, there is an everlasting Spring.
A smile.
A kind word.
A soft push of encouragement.
And yes, a shimmering ocean of dark humor.
I am the Evergreen, in the landscape of white.
Dum Vivo Spero, our families Latin motto. Which roughly means, ‘While I breathe, I hope.’ And fellow artist, I do declare, I am still breathing.
Beautiful. Yes, I found too that when, no, not when but IF I talk about these days, I want that reaction to know it was real and I was able to make it out. But, I barely do talk about it all, mostly cause I feel I still have 2 more kids to raise. Two more I need to be strong for. And the only one I ever opened up to about it, after it happened and for the only time really, is my now better half. Funny how that goes ….
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Thank you for the feedback Silke 🙂 I always love and appreciate what you have to say. 🙂 It is good to talk about, and share. Even when difficult to do so. I have 2 children from that marriage so I completely understand!
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Yes. Sometimes I been thinking of kind of touching on it when writing and I think that, at some point, I might but for now it’s still taking a backseat without having to think about it too much, or getting to angry when thinking about it 🙂 It will all happen in time. My kids, all three, turned out amazing through and despite all of it!!!
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Being a great momma or the best I could ne helped me heal and bring my focus eleswhere. Everything in its own time, as they say. 🙂 💙
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That is true. Time usually helps no matter what.
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🐢🐰 😊
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