You called me mine, forming my shape with the soft round of your palm, I was so utterly shape-able, form-able, naive. You breathed your doctrine into me like you were my God. Manipulating and whispering, until my form was your perfection.
i, smiling most ingeniously. You, tying strings to the vulnerable arcs of my bones, making me your marionette. My painted eyes gaze with adoration, and all is well. Always well. As long as I do not snip the strings.
I was so well trained. When I think back to those days. Being married to a Narcissistic, rage-aholic, you learn early. And fast. Do not disturb the psychopath. Bad things happened. Stuff would break, material things, but it broke me. And that was his plan. They start out slow, with velvet gloves, as they coax you into their inner circle. Wait, no. Not slow. It is all very fast, slight of hand. Like emotional magicians. 13 years in healing and I still have a hard time explaining it all.
It is called, Gaslighting. They come at you fast, they want to knock you off your feet, completely off-balance. Croon to you softly as they spin you around. They are your, Fred Astair, and your their, Ginger Rodgers. The perfect pair. And you never been happier, no one has ever loved you more! Their words like heroin in your veins, you cannot get enough. I have never done Herion, I want to make that clear, I just know it is a terrible addiction that you believe you cannot live without. And so, I think it fits.
Before you know it, friends turn into enemies. And family don’t understand. A distance is divided between your loved ones, and yourself. Exactly, what they want. When I hear a particular song, it reminds me of those day.
"Cold, late night so long ago
When I was not so strong you know
A pretty man came to me
I never seen eyes so blue
You know, I could not run away it seemed
We'd seen each other in a dream
Seemed like he knew me, he looked right through me, yeah"
Then the momma sings…
"Come on home, girl" Mama cried on the phone
"Too soon to lose my baby yet, my girl should be at home"
But try to understand, try to understand
Try, try, try to understand, he's a magic man, Mama, ah
He's a magic man"
He is a magic man, an emotional magician. And at 19, I was married. You see, he could not live without me, pounding on the steering wheel of his fathers truck, begging me with his crocodile tears and terrifying antics. We had been dating for 2 weeks. Let me write that once more, 2 weeks. I was a senior in High School, and he was leaving for the military just after he graduated.
Yes, when I look back, I see ALL the red flags. But he was busy tying them to the arcs of my bones. Turning me on the dance floor, making me believe he was my knight in shining armor. Gaslighting works that way. That is one of the terms you learn, when explaining a person with Narcissism.
They want you to believe they are going to save you, be everything you will ever need, no one will love you more then they will. LIES. So many lies. He had me feeling like I was crazy, he never did nothing wrong. And when I tried to connect the dots, he erased the lines as I went. He would bend and twist the stories, until he had me believing, I was to blame.
I was so, well-trained. I was his perfect marionette, dancing with strings that I did not even see myself.
But the day came, as it will for anyone living with a partner with Narcissism. You catch the glint of something sharp, just out of reach. And you just know, you are going to use them on yourself. Either to cut your own heart out, or cut yourself free. I sort of did both, and it was as messy as I thought it would be.
Just thought I would share….