A year ago I started a journey, on WordPress. Got myself a site and set sail into this deep. I remember, that I did not even know what I was going to write about, but I knew it was going to be some deep stuff. DEEP stuff. Dark even. I was going to blow wide open the doors from the room that confined my creatively, locked as I was by my own fears. Of what I could accomplish if I just stepped out from the box I had confined myself in.
Sure, I could blame my DNA father. The dangerous man that he was, the theif that stole my childhood. Set upon my shouldres the weight of guilt because I was his seed. My older half sister, was not my comfort place, he stole our relationship that I could have had with her. No, I was his seed so she hated me. I could blame my mother, because she was so naive, a doormat, an enabler. I could blame my step-father that she later married. Years of alcoholism, and verbal abuse, of never not ever…being good enough. I could blame my ex husband. 18 years of sadistic mind numbing Narcistic control until I thought I was crazy, and could never, ever, live on my own. Forget even being a mother, the court would never let me raise them. He was the powerful one, He made sense. And I had prior knowledge from all men in my life, that they were right. I was nothing. I did not matter.
Well, fuck you.
It was time I cleansed myself of all those dark places that others had put me in. It was time, to purge the sludge that bound my spirit in the deep pit of my psyche. Yeh, that’s deep. I know. And that is the whole point. No one gets better by being shallow.
But, lets be honest first. There WAS a time I did blame them all. They had me standing, arms wide, laughing wildy in the rain and wind “look what you did to me, motherfuckers!” And I did stay and wallow in all that crap they dumped on me, sludged around in it, and called it my life “This is what I deserve” mantra, being mumbled between my dispassionate lips. But then suddenly, or slowly rather, I came to my senses. I wanted joy. I wanted to be cleansed. I wanted to write about it.
And that led me here.
And as I kept writing, introducing my poetry, my art, my photos. My thoughts. I had noticed, my posts were not nearly as dark as I thought they would be. And, not as selfish. I wanted to share, I wanted to help others see……You are NOT what they say you are, you are what YOU say you are. And be kind, be patient with yourself. Cradle your inner-child and tell them all the wonderful things you would want them to believe when they are grown. When they become you.
Is this too deep? Too weird? Sometimes, it is hard to know when you are writing from this deep end of oneself…..hang in there, I am about to bring us back up.
So, yes, I could blame all those toxic people from my past. But, lets face it. I am a grown woman. And it is time to put that bottle of sour milk I been suckling on. Away. Far away. Because now, I am robbing myself of joy, freedom, creativiy, and love. ME.
It is such a revelation, the day you realize. You are battling your own self. That negative tape that plays in your head, are not their voices anymore. It is your own.
And, I am truly happy for every soul that has joined me on this journey. Lets keep on encouraging one another.
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